I love movies, and I always have, in the same way I love books – only different. I also love binge-watching GOOD TV shows on the various streaming services because there are no commercials. I hate commercials. I’m going to take a stand and say they suck. Controversial, I know, but I’m a rebel.
In future editions of this review blog (or whatever it is to be), this is where I will pompously act as if I know what I’m talking about. It will all be a thin and self-serving facade, of course, but in any event, I’ll be reviewing what I watch – both the good and the bad. Sadly, there’s a lot more of the bad ones, but that’s okay. They’re fun to rip. For this first one, though, since we’re getting to know each other like some twisted version of a blind date, I will begin with my top five favorite horror movies of all time. I’m not entirely certain about the order, except for the first two, but they’re all so good that (to me, anyway) it doesn’t matter. Here then is my list:
1. John Carpenter’s The Thing
2. Alien
3. The Omen (the original). To hell with the remake.
4. Halloween (also the original, though a tip of the hat to Rob Zombie isn’t entirely uncalled for).
5. The Silence of the Lambs
I’d give you a list of Honorable Mentions, but there are simply too damned many of them. Because there are so damned many of them (and because I’m not an idiot), however, I realize your list may be and probably is different than mine. It’s okay. This is a big world filled with choices. If you feel like it, hit me up on Twitter @JSThomson2021 and give me yours.
But on to my first official movie review. For it I have chosen a continuation of a classic movie series. This is primarily because it’s the one I happened upon at random last night, but there’s no sense picking nits this early in the game.
I first saw the original Predator on a double bill with Robocop at a drive in. Thankfully we had ladies with us; otherwise, we might have been inspired by the double-dose of gratuitous violence and mayhem to invade the next county. As it was, cooler (feminine) heads prevailed and in the end, a good time was had by all.
I believe I saw the second one when it came out on VHS. Yes. I’m that old. And for a while, these were the only two in the series, and all was more or less right with the imaginary world of SciFi and horror.
But then – as so often happens in the pathological Hollywood drive to squeeze every last dime out of everything – they decided to spice it up by adding the other bad boy on the genre block: the Aliens. At best, the first one, Alien vs Predator, was neither a good Predator movie, nor a good Alien movie, just a mishmash of the two with an ultimately unsatisfying result. As for the second one, Alien vs Predator; Requiem . . . For all I know it might have been the greatest movie ever made. Or it could have been a complete piece of crap. Unfortunately, the damned thing was shot so dark, that half the time I couldn’t tell what was happening on screen.
Then we come to the oddball in the bunch: 2010’s Predators, starring Adrien Brody and produced by Robert Rodriguez (among others). Basically, a bunch of conveniently good-looking people with mad skills at killing wake up to find themselves in the jungle on a planet other than Earth, populated by our old pals, the Predators, whom they must now kill in order to escape whatever planet they’re on. What fun. It’s not a bad movie. It’s not a great movie either, but I’m a big fan of pretty much anything Robert Rodriguez is involved in, so I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Having said that, it’s pale in comparison to the original with Arnold and Jesse Ventura (I haven’t got time to bleed).
Okay, so we finally arrive at the movie I started last night and finished this morning: 2018’s The Predator. After so many, one would hope they’d come up with a more catchy title to help differentiate between all the various movies, but ultimately, a Predator movie is a Predator movie. It really doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.
Naturally, therefore, they created a somewhat convoluted story, involving a small boy with Asperger Syndrome, a conveniently badass microbiologist, Predator dogs, and warring Predator factions, including one gigantic mofo who’s apparently been genetically hybridized. All-in-all, it’s a fun romp, with truly gratuitous violence, and the tension of dealing with a creature who could suddenly appear directly behind you mere moments before it skewers you like an about to be roasted side of beef.
There’s also a bunch of mysterious black ops bad guys, but I found it best just to ignore them. What I couldn’t ignore, unfortunately, was the fairly lame attempts at humor, which generally came off as too cute by half and bordering on slapstick. They should have left well enough alone, in my opinion.
Speaking of which, I’d give this a fairly weak Four Stars (or skulls, or whatever icon one might wish to use). It’s fun. And let’s face it. With a Predator movie, you’re not exactly expecting Schindler’s List.
But then, it doesn’t need to be. No one will say any of these movies are important, or moving, or powerful. It’s not what they’re for. They exist for the sole purpose of entertainment. Okay . . . entertainment and to make a ton of money. I didn’t expect the Inquisition. No one does.
Until next time . . .
